You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
