How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
