OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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