with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
