Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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