A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
vagina is talking i cant
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
