Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize