Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
