feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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