today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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