My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
