i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
