dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
