laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
