ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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