Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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