she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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