If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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