I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
