Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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