Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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