bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
