Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
