I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
