just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
