I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
