dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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