and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
