I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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