btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
