6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
