oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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