apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
