she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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