I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize