Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
These tits shall not be calmed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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