So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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