he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
