his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
