All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
