the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
