I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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