Where is the hickey?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
