i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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