I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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