btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize