Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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