If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
