Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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