after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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