I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Go christen that room with your naked body.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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