There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
