I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize