At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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