I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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