I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
