then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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