how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
