Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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