i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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