It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
