hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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