I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize