Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
