I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
