I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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