tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
