if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
